Thursday, April 5, 2012

Swimsuits = Torture Devices

In every magazine, store or ad we see the constant reminder that "Swimsuit Season is Drawing Near!  Are you Ready?"  Ummmm... NO, I'm not.  Is anyone really ready for that?  But thank you for the reminder that I need to invest in a longer swimsuit cover-up.

I long for the good old days when, as a child, I spent every waking moment at the Mequon Pool.  We were there so often, my parents even bought my brother, Bobby, and I season passes and mom sewed the cute little strawberry-looking patch that was our ticket in on each of our suits.  :)  Ahhhh... the good old days.  We were there every day.  I was so tan... so fit... and I only remember being a little self conscious when an older boy came up to talk to me.  We were too busy to care and reveling in the days where a boy punched a girl to let her know he liked her.  (Once, a boy gave me a fat lip!  Unfortunately for him, my big, bad, muscular, carpenter dad had just arrived to pick Bobby and I up.  Dad lifted said boy out of the pool by his head and gave him the what-for.  I admit-  I grin just thinking about it.)

Fun, beautiful memories!  Sadly, now when I think of going to the pool or a lake, all I can think is "How in the world do I cover all of this dimpled flesh up?!  I always intend to do it without anyone noticing how self-conscious I am and that's why I'm covered from shoulders to ankle.  I've occasionally tried to pass it off as being careful about UV exposure.  I don't think anyone bought the BS I was selling, as they well shouldn't have.

So tell me ladies, why are we all panicking over a little skin?  My theory is: There is no such thing as a LITTLE skin in a ladies bathing suit anymore!  Sure, we don't have to wear a two-piece, but if we don't, they cut the leg holes up to our armpits so we can still look sexy and "elongate our legs."  What I'd really like is for them to elongate the fabric they're using!  And how about the adorable suits with the skirts??  I love the IDEA of them...  but it seems that either I look like I'm trying to wear a 10 year old's suit or I'm a fashion-forward geriatric but look fabulous for my age!!!

On that note, I'd love to see some alternatives to these basic options.  In fact, I am looking for the equivalent of  mens' board shorts!  Seriously now, why do they get to wear baggy shorts and still strut around like they are alluring as hell?  No fair.  I told a friend once that I was going to wear a tank top and a pair of board shorts to the lake instead of my usual suit.  He looked appalled!

I also have one request for the department stores out there...  Could you please find some lighting to put in your dressing rooms that won't make me look like I am jaundiced or dying???  For the love of Pete!  I am sure that I would buy a lot more clothing if I didn't look so damn sickly in everything I try on in those torture chambers!  Luckily, I have a pair of Tiff's that go shopping with me and they manage to look past my sickly pallor and tell me what to buy!  Thank goodness they are there, or I swear I'd sink to the floor in tears of frustration half of the time!  (Thanks ladies!)

So NO, Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Shape, Fitness and every other magazine out there...  I am NOT ready for swimsuit season.  I don't know that I ever will be.  Ever.  Just thinking about it makes my guts twist in fear.  And what it all boils down to is that FEAR.  It's gripping, punishing, and probably  unjustified.  Face my fear to rid myself of it?  Been there, done that.  Doesn't work for me.  But given a tempting enough invite...  I may just don my swimsuit this year...  And I promise to try to do it with my head held high!


  1. OMG this seriously cracked me up! Get out of my head! I swear you wrote everything that I think!

  2. 1.) i can't tell you how many times recently i have almost fallen to the floor in a "fitting" room & burst into tears due to my current weight. If it's a good day, it's a good day, if it's a bad day, i stop looking, wait patiently for my friend to finish clothes shopping, and promptly drag her to the nearest target/shopko/etc to find nice things for my home instead.

    as for your board shorts (mens & ladies) check out pacsun, or the screamin' tuna surf shop on main street in cedarburg (it's right across the intersection from the chocolate factory.... (and then maybe get a turkey salad from the chocolate factory afterwards? lol)