3 Snaps in "Z" Formation!

You have all seen the lady (or man) I'm about to talk about.  She's big, she's wearing next to nothing and she's loving every second of it.  She walks around like she's royalty and God's gift to the world!  Truthfully, people stare and I'm one of them.  Wondering what the hell she's thinking.... and secretly wishing I was more like her!!


Now, I don't mean that I want to strut around in public with my wobbly bits hanging out!  Sheesh.  I shudder at the thought!  What I do mean is that I envy her confidence.  To believe whole-heartedly that I am stunning no matter what the imbeciles around me think??  YES PLEASE!

Just imagine what each of us could accomplish without all of the baggage and doubts we are lugging along all the time! If I could set aside my insecurities for a month- oh, the extra time I'd have!  I think I could probably get a raise, ace my class, start a new business, make major strides at the gym and who knows what else!    I truly believe that my hang-ups are holding me back.  So shouldn't it be easy to shake it off and move on?  It should be.  Yet, not so much.

I don't have the answers to how to set the baggage aside- if i did, I'd be raking in the millions in self-help books!!  For now, I am choosing to try and find a way to downsize my insecurities from three luggage carts to maybe one.  :)  It's a lofty goal, I know.  But as I hit the gym more and pay more attention to how my body IS changing for the better instead of considering beating my scale to a pulp with a mini-sledge, I am slowly but surely shedding some of my issues.  Truthfully, I haven't stopped to evaluate how or why it is happening.  I am just pleased to be making progress.  Maybe it's the fact that as I age (gracefully, no doubt), I am gaining perspective.  Then again, maybe not.  For now, I am choosing to enjoy the small victory of not beating myself up over every flaw.

Despite my progress, strutting in 5 inch heels in a skirt that barely covers my naughty business and a tube top, I am NOT!  And fear not, my friends, I never will be.  But every time that girl sashays past me...  I think...  Damn, I wanna feel that good!

Sneaky, Sneaky...

I have a confession to make.  I sneak food.  It isn't that hard.  Andy works nights and I am often home alone.  Andy is very lucky in that he doesn't have to worry about putting on weight (I want his metabolism!).  Therefore, all of his favorite (crazy fattening) foods are usually in the house.  Tostitos Salsa Con Queso, heavy cheeses, sausages, french onion dip, chips up the wazoo, etc.  Yet, he doesn't have a sweet tooth at all, which is both a blessing and a curse.  Let me explain.  My family loves to bake.  I've even heard them say that they bake when they are sad, bake when they are happy, bake when they are angry... And because they don't want to eat it all themselves, they often send sweet treats home with me.  I have been lucky enough to explain my weight loss quest to them and they have been incredibly understanding and have scaled back significantly.  However, whatever DOES arrive on my doorstep will not be eaten by Andy in my absence, so there it sits-- calling to me.

Certain times of the year are the hardest, with a focus on Christmas with the fifty varieties of cookies and Halloween since we love to hand out candy and see all the kiddies in their cute costumes!  I have stopped baking myself (since there is only me to eat it) and I try not to buy candy I love, but the temptation is always there, at every checkout, on every commercial.

Here is the ugly truth:  I hide food wrappers at the bottom of the garbage so that Andy will not see that I have fallen victim to my silly cravings.  I do dishes by hand and put them away before he sees that I have been indulging.  Pathetic?  Maybe.  A reality?  Yes.

Would Andy judge me for any of this indulgent behavior?  Definitely not.  He just wants me to be happy and healthy.  And I am truly blessed that I have a man like that in my life.  Still, I hide the evidence of my betrayal of my diet/healthy eating plan.  So who am I hiding it from?  Myself?  Possibly. I am not even sure when this little habit of mine started.  I just know it is impossible to resist.

I even roll my eyes at myself as I bury the wrappers or sneak a few chips while Andy is in the shower.  What is wrong with me??  And after I have crammed the 'forbidden' foods down my gullet, I still beat myself up about it.  No matter how hard I try to hide my dirty secret from Andy, I can't hide it from myself.  And it seems I judge myself the hardest.

Am I the only one sneaking behind my diet's back?  I know they say it is all about willpower, so where is mine?

Gym Guilt

Have you had those days where no matter what you do, you just cannot make it into the gym?  I did.  It happened even just last night.  If I miss a night where I should be at the gym, I then spend the next 24 hours flogging myself for not planning better.  Where does all of this come from?  Planning can help avoid a guilt trip, to a point...

For instance, yesterday,  I got a call from my parents that my late grandpa's house has finally sold!  They wanted to know if, in addition to the refrigerator I was already being given, if I would like the dresser set that my grandparents used in their bedroom.  It's a beautiful set, I'm very sentimental about furniture and so, of course, I jumped at the chance.  However, as my Dad was waiting for his help to show up later that day to load all of that furniture to take to my house, he got a call that some of his help wasn't going to show.  Even after Dad's protests, I decided to go and help since it is, after all, for me!  It took us about 1.5 hours, but we managed and even had some extra help.

After all of that, I was still due at my Grandma's for dinner with the family.  I arrived for dinner only an hour before I was supposed to be at the gym.  After a fabulous home-cooked meal, I helped clean up the table and then as requested, flipped my Grandma's mattress.  On top of all of this, my new niece was having a BAD day.  Poor little thing was screaming her fool head off.  I took her so that her mom and my brother could have a few minutes to themselves and eat.  To be completely honest, even if she screams the whole time, I still love getting to hold her and it feels good to be able to help my bro even if only for a half hour.

Next thing I know, I look up at the clock and almost fell over.  It was almost 9pm!!!!  How the?!?!  I asked, "Grams, that can't possibly be the right time?"  She simply looked at her watch and said, "Sure is."  Awwww hell.  I know I have countless hours of homework stacked up at home even though I worked on it for over 4 hours the night before.  This writing assignment is due Friday before midnight.  Taking all of that into consideration, I decided to go home and dig into that pile of readings and assignments.

I still think I did the smart, responsible thing.  So why then am I still kicking myself for not having been able to do homework AND hit the gym?  Things come up.  Yesterday was a great day!  A success!  Then why does a little thing like missing the gym cause me such grief??

Fun House Mirrors aren't all that fun.

Why do I need so much positive reinforcement?  I need to learn to love myself.  Luckily, my man loves me and my body.  I love that about him, among other things, of course.  He tells me that I am beautiful all the time (or at least that I look 'good').  I am blessed because I know way too many women don't get to hear that at all.  I believe him when he says he thinks my body is perfect just the way it is: ghetto booty, pooch and all.  So why can't I learn to love it?  Overall, my body is good to me.  I can get up every day.  I have the strength to walk downstairs and make coffee. I have the strength to go to the gym and sweat it out for over an hour.  I am capable of things I haven't even considered trying yet, and shouldn't that be enough?  Of course it should be. Yet it somehow isn't.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and think "Hiya, hot stuff!"  Maybe that is superficial, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.  And then I begin to wonder if other people see me the way I see myself.  I know I shouldn't care what other people think.  But I find that to be a somewhat unrealistic goal.  My personal goal on this subject is just to care less what other people think.

As I stand in front of my closet doors (both full mirrors - yuk) I often wonder if looking at myself is like looking into a Fun House mirror.  Do I see my trouble spots as larger than they are?  Maybe.  They do seem to crowd everything else out of my line of vision, warped and wobbly.  As this blog goes on, you will learn that I have a lot of hang-ups.  :)  Don't we all?  I'm just putting my crazy out there for all the world to see.

One gift I often wish for is to see my body the way my man does.  Just for 5 minutes so when I want to cry because the scale hasn't budged yet again and my jeans won't button without pinching my skin, I can conjure up that image and feel beautiful/sexy/worthwhile again instead of diving headfirst into a bag of caramel corn.  Since I will probably never be visited by a genie to grant my 3 greatest wishes, for the time being, I choose to believe him.  Someday, I will love myself, warts and all.  I think that is the ultimate goal in my quest to lose weight and get healthy.

Stop! You're doing it ALL WRONG!

I have a lovely friend who has lost over 50 lbs to date!  GASP!  You go girl!  AMAZING!  Now she is focused on losing her "last 10."  Will they be the last?  Will she be happy then?  Not when everyone, everywhere is telling her she's doing it all wrong!

Don't eat at restaurants.  Don't eat carbs.  Eggs are bad for you.  Don't eat red meat.  Eat nothing but dry lettuce and celery.  The Green Diet.  The South Beach Diet.  The Atkins Diet.  Smoothie Diets.  They all tell you that what you are currently doing is wrong and make you feel bad so that you turn to their method.  Scare tactics like this are effective so the companies continue to use them.  But the hopeless feeling we get after being told that what we are doing is wrong - even if we have lost 50 lbs on our own - may spur us to try THEIR diet.  Buy THEIR cookbook.  Buy THEIR meal plan.  Take THEIR magic pills.

It's all horsecrap and marketing.  At this moment, I am fuming with righteous indignation for my friend.  At a cooking class, she was made to feel that she can never eat at a restaurant again.  But why?  There is no secret supplement.  (I really wish there was.)  I fall into these traps too.  I want there to be an easy way.  But the basics still come down to-- burn more calories than you take in.  Period.  Simple math.  Is making it actually happen that simple??  NO, or we'd all be shapely supermodels.  Nothing worth having comes easy, I guess.

I have a problem with programs that want to break you down to build you up, so to speak.  I am not talking about the emotional break-through's on the Biggest Loser.  I'm talking about making you feel bad about yourself so vulnerable, you turn to the 'experts' for help.  CUT. IT. OUT.

We are good people and beautiful.  Don't let anyone undermine your success.  If you have lost 5 lbs- it is a victory.  50 lbs?  You should be writing this blog instead of me!  Why not celebrate every time that you make a healthier choice?  I like celebrating!  Don't tell yourself you can never eat at a restaurant or have an egg for breakfast.  You can do anything you want!  In moderation, of course.

Stand up to the bullies.  The media talks about the bullying in schools and the repercussions.  Very scary stuff.  It makes me worry for my future children.  Is what the diet industry is doing so different?  Adults have better coping mechanisms.  Absolutely true.  But the principles seem to be awfully similar.  They make you feel stupid and worthless and like they know so much better.than we do.  Stand up to the bullies.  You are doing great!  Find what works for you.  Make one better choice a day.  Start small and work your way up.

Don't let them push you around.  You're doing great!  Keep up the good work!