Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Fun House Mirrors aren't all that fun.

Why do I need so much positive reinforcement?  I need to learn to love myself.  Luckily, my man loves me and my body.  I love that about him, among other things, of course.  He tells me that I am beautiful all the time (or at least that I look 'good').  I am blessed because I know way too many women don't get to hear that at all.  I believe him when he says he thinks my body is perfect just the way it is: ghetto booty, pooch and all.  So why can't I learn to love it?  Overall, my body is good to me.  I can get up every day.  I have the strength to walk downstairs and make coffee. I have the strength to go to the gym and sweat it out for over an hour.  I am capable of things I haven't even considered trying yet, and shouldn't that be enough?  Of course it should be. Yet it somehow isn't.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and think "Hiya, hot stuff!"  Maybe that is superficial, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it.  And then I begin to wonder if other people see me the way I see myself.  I know I shouldn't care what other people think.  But I find that to be a somewhat unrealistic goal.  My personal goal on this subject is just to care less what other people think.

As I stand in front of my closet doors (both full mirrors - yuk) I often wonder if looking at myself is like looking into a Fun House mirror.  Do I see my trouble spots as larger than they are?  Maybe.  They do seem to crowd everything else out of my line of vision, warped and wobbly.  As this blog goes on, you will learn that I have a lot of hang-ups.  :)  Don't we all?  I'm just putting my crazy out there for all the world to see.

One gift I often wish for is to see my body the way my man does.  Just for 5 minutes so when I want to cry because the scale hasn't budged yet again and my jeans won't button without pinching my skin, I can conjure up that image and feel beautiful/sexy/worthwhile again instead of diving headfirst into a bag of caramel corn.  Since I will probably never be visited by a genie to grant my 3 greatest wishes, for the time being, I choose to believe him.  Someday, I will love myself, warts and all.  I think that is the ultimate goal in my quest to lose weight and get healthy.

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